I'm done.

So tonight, my mom and I decided to watch "Farrah's Story", documenting Farrah Fawcett's battle against cancer. I never really thought much about Farrah Fawcett, you know, she was just this person who was on a poster and was in Charlie's Angels and did some other stuff. Not a big deal. And then I saw this woman who, yeah, is an actress. But there's so much more to her than the acting thing. Did you know she's a talented artist? I didn't. It showed her drawing on this HUGE canvas (it was a face) and she was drawing these very expressive eyes. She majored in art in college, something else I didn't know. But watching her tonight, all she wanted to do was live. Eventually she didn't care about her hair, or anything else. She just kept saying "I want to live." And, having lost several family members to cancer within the last couple of years, I thought to myself: How stupid is it for me to sit here and care about things that I cannot control ? My time and attention would be better spent on so many other aspects of my life and ways I can live my life to the fullest every day, so in the end I don't have any regrets.



So I am done. The things I thought were important before. . .I'm going to edit those. What is truly important will stay, but the majority of these things will go.

1. I no longer have a political affiliation. I have no party. I don't believe I will vote again. It
seems to me that either side you vote for will mess you over somehow. Whether I vote or
not will not be a factor in my eternal life. I'm tired of getting stressed out over decisions I
cannot control, and I am tired of getting stressed out because someone I voted for is doing
something I don't agree with.

2. To C. N. E. : (And you know who you are. . .) You know what you did. You lied to me and
manipulated me when all I ever offered you was my love and friendship. That is over, and
has been for some time now. I am tired of thinking about it and worrying about it. I pray
that you truly do ask forgiveness of God, you have mine. But if you don't, and you continue
in your way, God will deal with you. Also, let it be known, I am NOT going anywhere. I was
there a long time ago and I'm going to be there for a long time yet. But as of NOW, this is
OVER. I'm DONE.

3. To all the men in my life who have ever hurt me: I understand fully now that there is a VERY
GOOD reason God did not let you stay in my life, each of you for your own various reasons.
I will never moon over "what could have been" again.

4. To I. J. B.: I will always love you. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. I pray for you
and wish you all the happiness in the world!




I can't get over it. . .all she was striving to do is live. What right do I have to complain, when some small little detail is all wrong in my life, when there are people out there who, all they want, is to LIVE ?

Random

I desire to be completely random. Being an artist, my thoughts (many times) do not come out as words, but rather as whole ideas, dreams, colors, patterns, moods, songs. Trust me, I have questioned as to whether or not I may be slightly autistic (because of thinking that way). This earns me a stern look and a loud "NO." from my mother.

But how great would it be if I could just lose myself in randomness? Give in to my [thoughts, dreams, patterns, etc.] whenever I felt like it? I'm not saying lose all sense of reality and rationality, but how different could I be if I just let things go and possibly become a more. . .obscure, shall we say, version of myself?

Hmm. I'm not crazy, I know that. But how much of my life have I wasted trying to become something I can never be and, perhaps, never should be in the first place? It would be well enough if other people thought I was crazy, the whole time knowing in myself that I'm perfectly sane.

God made all of us the way we are for a reason. He made me to think this way for a reason. I don't know why, at least not now, and I may never know why. It would probably be in my best interest to just accept it. Actually, it would probably be in my best interest to embrace it.

Hmm. Something for me to think about.

Antsy

Lately I've been getting antsy to do more artwork. I haven't painted in a while. I bought a new sketchbook yesterday and I've been dabbling and doodling in that. But I'm getting to where I want to throw myself back into it. I am about to go and do some more dabbling and drawing; it's too late tonight to paint. *Sigh*

One of those nights. . .

. . .where things just get to be too much, and I cry. So much I don't understand. I hurt so much. I wish I was a different person. Because I don't think things are ever going to happen for me. I feel like nobody understands, and if I tried to explain, everyone would just think I'm being a baby. But this is real. I end up begging God. I know this all sounds strange. But. . .I can't help it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be happy. But I'm never just right. Why? So many more questions than there are answers.

One Year Today. . .

My Molly Girl

I love you. And I miss you more than words could ever say.

I am actually faring better than I thought I would. If you had asked me a year ago what I would be doing today, I would have said that I would be medicated and in bed all day. In reality, I did not do that at all. I guess I'm just stronger than I ever thought I was.

2009, Post Number One (No, I am not numbering all my posts for this year!)

I know. I promise to blog more often and I don't. And I am sorry. I will try harder, I will.

Though it's belated, Happy New Year!

Things have happened since the last post. Unpleasant things. But one of my resolutions for 2009 (Under the main resolution titled "Be good to yourself") is this: I will not dwell on bad things that have happened. So I won't talk about that stuff.



Instead I will talk about what I did new year's eve: I went hiking. Well, we (my sister and I) started out on Sullivan's Island, really. We took pictures of the sunrise and the beach. Then we drove to Old Santee Canal State Park and hiked the trail. It was a lot of fun, a lot of exercise, and a lot of pictures. At one point, to get back to the main building (the Interpretive Center) we had to take this grassy (sometimes muddy) path through the woods. Now, all through the trail, there were hills and inclines. But on the path there were steeper inclines without steps and such. At one point, the path led us to a narrow pass along the steep side of a hill. My sister hated it, but oddly enough, I didn't mind it.



I also photographed a wedding on January 10th. It was my first wedding. I did it for free, as a gift to the bride and groom. I didn't know how well the shots would turn out, and I was nervous. But they turned out wonderfully, and the couple loved them. I was so pleased, and now I know I can do it! Tomorrow night I will be doing the staff photos for my church's website.



I started a project tonight that will take a year to complete. I began a 2009 scrapbook, because I honestly believe that this will be a good year for me. I have my upcoming 10 year class reunion (GO GATORS CLASS OF '99!!!) and all kinds of activities in the church. My sister took over the dance team for our church, and now I am the assistant leader (or as we like to call it, we're captain and co-captain. . .'cause were, like, the cheerleaders of the church. . .oh, migosh!) And who knows what else will go on. But I'm focused on keeping a positive outlook on everything, and see the good in all that happens.