I'm done.

So tonight, my mom and I decided to watch "Farrah's Story", documenting Farrah Fawcett's battle against cancer. I never really thought much about Farrah Fawcett, you know, she was just this person who was on a poster and was in Charlie's Angels and did some other stuff. Not a big deal. And then I saw this woman who, yeah, is an actress. But there's so much more to her than the acting thing. Did you know she's a talented artist? I didn't. It showed her drawing on this HUGE canvas (it was a face) and she was drawing these very expressive eyes. She majored in art in college, something else I didn't know. But watching her tonight, all she wanted to do was live. Eventually she didn't care about her hair, or anything else. She just kept saying "I want to live." And, having lost several family members to cancer within the last couple of years, I thought to myself: How stupid is it for me to sit here and care about things that I cannot control ? My time and attention would be better spent on so many other aspects of my life and ways I can live my life to the fullest every day, so in the end I don't have any regrets.



So I am done. The things I thought were important before. . .I'm going to edit those. What is truly important will stay, but the majority of these things will go.

1. I no longer have a political affiliation. I have no party. I don't believe I will vote again. It
seems to me that either side you vote for will mess you over somehow. Whether I vote or
not will not be a factor in my eternal life. I'm tired of getting stressed out over decisions I
cannot control, and I am tired of getting stressed out because someone I voted for is doing
something I don't agree with.

2. To C. N. E. : (And you know who you are. . .) You know what you did. You lied to me and
manipulated me when all I ever offered you was my love and friendship. That is over, and
has been for some time now. I am tired of thinking about it and worrying about it. I pray
that you truly do ask forgiveness of God, you have mine. But if you don't, and you continue
in your way, God will deal with you. Also, let it be known, I am NOT going anywhere. I was
there a long time ago and I'm going to be there for a long time yet. But as of NOW, this is
OVER. I'm DONE.

3. To all the men in my life who have ever hurt me: I understand fully now that there is a VERY
GOOD reason God did not let you stay in my life, each of you for your own various reasons.
I will never moon over "what could have been" again.

4. To I. J. B.: I will always love you. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. I pray for you
and wish you all the happiness in the world!




I can't get over it. . .all she was striving to do is live. What right do I have to complain, when some small little detail is all wrong in my life, when there are people out there who, all they want, is to LIVE ?

Random

I desire to be completely random. Being an artist, my thoughts (many times) do not come out as words, but rather as whole ideas, dreams, colors, patterns, moods, songs. Trust me, I have questioned as to whether or not I may be slightly autistic (because of thinking that way). This earns me a stern look and a loud "NO." from my mother.

But how great would it be if I could just lose myself in randomness? Give in to my [thoughts, dreams, patterns, etc.] whenever I felt like it? I'm not saying lose all sense of reality and rationality, but how different could I be if I just let things go and possibly become a more. . .obscure, shall we say, version of myself?

Hmm. I'm not crazy, I know that. But how much of my life have I wasted trying to become something I can never be and, perhaps, never should be in the first place? It would be well enough if other people thought I was crazy, the whole time knowing in myself that I'm perfectly sane.

God made all of us the way we are for a reason. He made me to think this way for a reason. I don't know why, at least not now, and I may never know why. It would probably be in my best interest to just accept it. Actually, it would probably be in my best interest to embrace it.

Hmm. Something for me to think about.

Antsy

Lately I've been getting antsy to do more artwork. I haven't painted in a while. I bought a new sketchbook yesterday and I've been dabbling and doodling in that. But I'm getting to where I want to throw myself back into it. I am about to go and do some more dabbling and drawing; it's too late tonight to paint. *Sigh*

One of those nights. . .

. . .where things just get to be too much, and I cry. So much I don't understand. I hurt so much. I wish I was a different person. Because I don't think things are ever going to happen for me. I feel like nobody understands, and if I tried to explain, everyone would just think I'm being a baby. But this is real. I end up begging God. I know this all sounds strange. But. . .I can't help it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be happy. But I'm never just right. Why? So many more questions than there are answers.

One Year Today. . .

My Molly Girl

I love you. And I miss you more than words could ever say.

I am actually faring better than I thought I would. If you had asked me a year ago what I would be doing today, I would have said that I would be medicated and in bed all day. In reality, I did not do that at all. I guess I'm just stronger than I ever thought I was.

2009, Post Number One (No, I am not numbering all my posts for this year!)

I know. I promise to blog more often and I don't. And I am sorry. I will try harder, I will.

Though it's belated, Happy New Year!

Things have happened since the last post. Unpleasant things. But one of my resolutions for 2009 (Under the main resolution titled "Be good to yourself") is this: I will not dwell on bad things that have happened. So I won't talk about that stuff.



Instead I will talk about what I did new year's eve: I went hiking. Well, we (my sister and I) started out on Sullivan's Island, really. We took pictures of the sunrise and the beach. Then we drove to Old Santee Canal State Park and hiked the trail. It was a lot of fun, a lot of exercise, and a lot of pictures. At one point, to get back to the main building (the Interpretive Center) we had to take this grassy (sometimes muddy) path through the woods. Now, all through the trail, there were hills and inclines. But on the path there were steeper inclines without steps and such. At one point, the path led us to a narrow pass along the steep side of a hill. My sister hated it, but oddly enough, I didn't mind it.



I also photographed a wedding on January 10th. It was my first wedding. I did it for free, as a gift to the bride and groom. I didn't know how well the shots would turn out, and I was nervous. But they turned out wonderfully, and the couple loved them. I was so pleased, and now I know I can do it! Tomorrow night I will be doing the staff photos for my church's website.



I started a project tonight that will take a year to complete. I began a 2009 scrapbook, because I honestly believe that this will be a good year for me. I have my upcoming 10 year class reunion (GO GATORS CLASS OF '99!!!) and all kinds of activities in the church. My sister took over the dance team for our church, and now I am the assistant leader (or as we like to call it, we're captain and co-captain. . .'cause were, like, the cheerleaders of the church. . .oh, migosh!) And who knows what else will go on. But I'm focused on keeping a positive outlook on everything, and see the good in all that happens.

Blessed

Thanksgiving Day was a good day. I have so much to be thankful for. Though the memories of past Thanksgivings haunted me, I'm better to have them then to have never experienced all that I have. I miss the people I used to share these days with, and I'm thankful for the ones who are still around to celebrate with. I'm also thankful for the new friends I have to share the holidays with. I hope I can share many more years of memories with them :)

Thanksgiving has passed, along with the tradition of watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with my sister and eating leftovers the day after. Now it is time to look forward to Christmas. *Sigh* Christmas trees, lighting displays, hot chocolate, family and friends :) I love this time of year.

I've been busy. There's been a bit of drama, but it's all good. There have been some other happenings, but I won't talk about that here, not yet. I'm learning that good things come to those who wait, and so I pass that on to you. Waiting is not an easy feat for somebody like me, but I'm determined. Some things are just special enough to be worth waiting for ;)

New Blog and Sites!

Ever since I painted that picture for Pastor Phillips, people have been asking me about my work and where they can see more of my work. So I started a ministry, and if you'd like to see some of my artwork, you can go here:

http://paintergirlministry.blogspot.com

http://www.photobucket.com/paintergirlministry

And you can e-mail me here: paintergirlministry@hotmail.com

:)

My phone is not working.

Why? Because we had Comcast Digital Voice installed today. And they are currently having a city-wide service failure. Talk about Murphy's Law.

Nine more days. Then I can allow myself to start listening to Christmas music.

Just blogging random stuff.

Oh. Painted a picture for Pastor and Sister Phillips (my pastor and his wife) for Pastor Appreciation Day this past Sunday:

Pastor almost made me cry when he told me, "I will always cherish it."

I've been cleaning.

Oddly enough, I did not watch this today:

I thought I would, since I now own the entire series. But I didn't. Don't know why. I guess I was just too busy trying to get rid of some stuff.

Okay. That's all I have for now. I promise I'll try to get more interesting stuff for the next entry. :)

Don't Blog Drunk. . .(Or, in my case, Tired)

It's true. I'm tired. Only got four hours of sleep last night, because I couldn't fall asleep. Kept jolting awake. And I had to go back to the Franklin Graham Festival after church, so no nap. In any case, I probably shouldn't be blogging right now. I should probably go to bed. Heh.

Funny what exhaustion does to a person. Sure, you're tired. But I mean internally. In your head. It makes you think. It makes you feel different, in the right circumstances, where temperature is concerned. There's a cool breeze blowing through my window that is opened just a crack. I have this bittersweet, melancholy feeling in my chest, and there are faint tears in my eyes. I don't know why. My mind is wandering, thumbing through possibilities. In my mind I'm continuously praying (which, I know, is a good thing). I wonder. About different things. There's a distant reminder that today *since it's after midnight here* is the first day of fall (yay!) and that the fair , which coincides with halloween, will be here before you know it (in approximately one month and one week). After that is Thanksgiving, then Christmas. . .I remember when the years didn't roll by so fast.

I miss being a kid.

But I think about the future too, wondering, waiting, praying. Wondering when God will send the right man my way, wondering if I've already found him. I often grow weary of waiting. I know he's out there somewhere. I just don't know where. Maybe I don't pray about it as much as I should. I don't pray for myself as much as I should, and perhaps there lies part of the problem. And I don't pray for him, whoever and wherever he is, as much as I ought to. My heart aches. Look, I don't expect a fairy tale. I know love and courtship and marriage takes work, and I'm willing to work for it.

Oh, I am so tired right now, and if I go any further I will sit here and cry until my face is red and blotchy, and I have gotten the hiccups. I miss people and dogs who are no longer here. I long to grow and to heal. I'm just afraid that if I stop hurting, I'll start forgetting. . .

Franklin Graham Festival: Newsboys, Group 1 Crew

My sister's birthday is next week. She said a couple of months ago that she wanted to go see the Newsboys and Casting Crowns at the Franklin Graham Festival, which is this weekend. Now, I have pictures, and I will have them up soon. But tonight we saw the Newsboys, and it was a lot of fun! We also saw a group called Group 1 Crew, a Christian hip-hop group, they were excellent as well! But when Newsboys were on, most of the songs I knew by heart. It was great to hear them live. They sang several of my favorite songs, like "Shine", "Something Beautiful", and "Breakfast". We had a lot of fun, and we are going back tomorrow night to see Casting Crowns, another one of our favorite groups. I promise you, the pictures from both evenings are coming soon! :) (I just have to remember to put new batteries in my camera!)

The seasons are changing. . .

The high today here near Charleston was in the upper 70's. . .hallelujah! It's a sign that it's almost Autumn, my favorite season of the year! I don't know why exactly I love it so much. I guess maybe because as a child, it was the time to go back to school; dinnertime with my family; playing outside until it got dark. . .now, I love the changing colors, the falling leaves. The only trees we had at my childhood home were pine trees, so until I was an adult, I never really got to see leaves falling. Oh, I'm sure that had I looked at the trees in the next door neighbor's yard, I would have seen them. But now that we have leafy trees in our front yard (and our back yard), the changing season is so much more evident to me now. In Fall I like to watch the leaves showering down out of the trees when a strong breeze blows. And I love the cooler temperatures after the long, hot, humid summer. Too, it takes us into the Halloween/Fair time of year, which goes into Thanksgiving, then Christmas. . .you get the idea. And now. . .I don't know. Autumn just does something to me. It changes me somehow. I can't explain it.

All we got from Hanna, by the way, was a lot of rain and a breeze. Thankfully.

Quick Post

Because I'm supposed to be cleaning. But I'm taking a break. . .In case you haven't heard, we have a maybe-hurricane heading toward good ole SC. TS Hanna. Ick. So we have to get cleaned up and packed up in case we have to leave in a good hurry.

On another note.

I've been meaning to paint for sometime. I just never get to it. I need to MAKE myself paint. I know I'm creative. I have the soul for it. I've been told I'm an old soul. I suppose so. I don't like much of the modern entertainment (i.e. music, tv shows [I do like a few shows on network tv but I'm not much for MTV anymore, or anything like that], etc.) and I consider myself a hippie--Christian hippie. . .but I look at all these other artists and see what they're accomplishing, and they have busier lives than I do.

I need to treat myself better. Get to bed earlier. Drink more water. Go exploring on foot, take my camera with me. Do stuff.

Anyway. That's my post for now. Perhaps I'll get back a little later, after I've cleaned some more.

And I'm painting tonight.

And check this out. it's funny, near the end. Well, I think it's all funny, but. . .funny is subjective.

Ciao.

College

I went to school with my mom today. . .she is going to school to become a paralegal. I have been toying around with the idea of going back to school for some time now, so I went with her today to get some information, such as degree programs, what I would want to major and minor in, etc. The prospect of going back to school is scary for me. But as my mom said, if she can do it, I can too. (She was out of school for about 40 years).

This is what I'm thinking: major in graphic design and minor in photography. I love art and I love photography. My mistake back in '99 was not majoring in something that I loved doing. Instead I majored in Radio and Television Broadcasting. While parts of it were interesting, it wasn't enough to hold my attention. Plus, I had wanted to take a year off after graduating high school, but somebody told me that if I did that, I wouldn't go to college at all. I think I would rather have taken the year off. Because I got really stressed. I had just finished high school, I was working part time, and going to college. I had the worst anxiety attack of my life that fall.

I think, now that I'm older, I could handle it better. I have a support system, not only here, but abroad as well. I have a network of people who believe in me, and they know that I can do this. I need a lot of prayer, my own praying included. I need to make sure that this is the right decision.

Your Tuesday Philosophy Lesson

It's Tuesday. Dale and Dot have gone; and you know what?

I can handle it.

How can I say this without being morbid? . . . I had a fear of them leaving because it seemed like everyone was leaving me, with all the deaths in my family in the last 14-16 months. But for some reason, until yesterday, I didn't put it all together. Even though I said we'll keep in touch and we have all the technology, at least I know that even on the other side of the planet, they're there, each of them the same person as they were when they were here. Their personalities will not change with geographical location. The next time I see them, they will still have the same traits they did the last time I saw them.

Yes, I'm a very emotional person. And sometimes it does take time for me to understand things fully. And you can be philosophical without a college degree. Even if your philosophy sounds a little "out there". But that's the way I am, the way God made me.

I don't know why I worry so much. I promise, Dot, I'm working on it :)

The Ramirez Family Is Leaving! :(

Oh po po po. I am tired. Worn out. And sad. Dot and the whole gang leave early tomorrow on their journey to Guam. Today, Dani (Dot's oldest daughter, third oldest child) kept telling me, "I'm really going to miss you a lot, Miss Sarah." Then she told me (as I was about to leave) "Miss Sarah, I wish you were going to Guam with us." Me too, honey. Me too. Dani gave me about a million hugs.

Boy, am I going to miss them.

But too, I have to look at it from this perspective, like both Dot and Dale told me: we have the internet. Dot has her blog, I have mine *if I can remember to update it regularly, which I am hopefully getting into the habit of doing*. We have e-mail. Snail mail. I can make DVD letters to send to them *I love my digicam and my mom's computer*. (I love my computer--my mom's old one--too. . .I can do my own thing with it. It just doesn't have a dvd burner in it). The point is, we can easily keep in touch. No, it won't be the same as having them close by. But it'll do until they're back in the U.S. again.

On a different note. . .I've been thinking a lot. It's time for a change. I have some goals I want to reach, or at least work on, in the next few months. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to the Tech College close by, to see what kind of scholarships and grants I can get, so I can start college next semester. I should have done it for this semester, but I procrastinated. Stupid procrastination. I need to look for a day job, so I can save up, and move out of my parents' house. I love them, but it's high time I got out on my own.

I guess I just have a lot to think about and a lot to concentrate on. I can't stay stuck in this rut forever. . .

So. . .

I'm not going out to the flea market this Saturday as I'd planned. I didn't do any painting the past couple of days like I was going to. I've been feeling off-center for the last couple of days.
Maybe I'm getting sick, I don't know. I also have a lot on my mind, and there are also some circumstances beyond my control. Maybe it's stress.

I want some awesome potato soup. From like, Outback Steakhouse. Or I'd settle for Atlanta Bread Company. Maybe. *This is not my problem. I wish it were my problem. May be a temporary solution*.

HA I'm completely random. And I should probably get to bed too. It's late. Like after 1 AM.

Never blog when you're drunk. * I am not drunk*.

Never blog when you're tired. * I am, however, tired.*

Goodnight everybody. :)

the vortex I call my life

Oh, I know it's been almost a month since my last post. I really ought to keep up with this blog. I'm going to have to, since it will be one of the ways Dot can keep up with my life after she and her family go to Guam :( I'm really sad to see them go. But God has a plan for their lives, as well as mine, and this is what He has meant for them right now. Luckily technology is such a wonderful thing; I love my digital camera and my mom's computer, that can make DVDs. Video letters. . .how fun!

It's been almost a month since Aunt Shelby died, and I am at peace with that. Like the aunts/uncles that went last year (and my beloved dog, Molly) I know that none of them hurt anymore, and they are waiting for me in Heaven. And I know that this place, earth, is just a stop off before eternity, but it's a long layover, and the people and animals that leave before we do, leave a void and a lot of memories that hurt to think about, because we miss them so much and we wish that we could be with them. Yet we--or at least, I, know I have a job to do and a purpose here, and I won't go until the Lord tells me my job is finished here. And I do want to accomplish a lot more before I leave here. I want to get married, have some children *and then grandchildren someday*.

Anyway. Now that I've made myself cry.

I'm going to be painting this week and heading out to the flea market this weekend to sell some of the paintings. I'm also going to take some of my other sketches and scan them, print them out onto cardstock to make prints to sell as well. Wish me luck, and send up a few prayers for me!!!

. . .And I was just taking pictures of the picnic. . .

I have always, as long as I can remember, loved to take pictures. My first camera was a hand-me-down Polaroid Instant Camera, the kind you used to have to buy the film and the flashbulb-bars for (it was the early 80's--probably purchase in the late 70's). I wore the thing out, until it didn't work anymore.

I progressed from there, using little 110 cameras, then 35mm cameras. Thing about all these is, you never knew if the picture would turn out blurry, or if you cut somebody's head off, or what. And you only had so many pictures you could take--12, 24, 36, blah blah blah.

I received my first digital camera for Christmas in 2005, a little Kodak EasyShare. I loved that thing. I loved being able to take pictures, erase them, having more space on the disk. . .I loved it. Then last July, I got a FujiFilm camera for my birthday. It's an awesome camera, if you're a "professional amateur" photographer. I have gotten some fabulous shots with it, including pictures of Tom Jones when my sister and I went to see him this past March. I've taken really nice pictures of my nieces, places in downtown Charleston, when I went to Orlando in May. . .it's has been an indisposable piece of equipment.

I took pictures of the picnic my church had today. Shortly after I arrived with my mom (a while before many of the others arrived), I took out my camera and my tripod, wanting to get some good photographs of the fun we were going to have. Pastor sees this and comes over to where I was. "How would you like to be the church's official photographer?. . ." He goes into how I can do all of the camerawork for the special events and services we have at the church, and they'll take care of the cost of developing the pictures and they'll get me an extra XD card and all. I'm standing there going (in my head) Wow, I get to do something officially for my church! I got all excited and everything because it's an awesome responsibility to have.

All I was doing is taking some pictures. . . :)

I'm turning 27 on Friday

It's 6:01 PM on June 30. I have someplace to be tomorrow. My birthday is Friday, Independence Day, July 4. I have many things going through my head. I miss Haylee and Sheila. I need to create. I have to go put gas in my car. And if I sit and think long enough, I think to myself, I need to make my life more interesting.

How does one make her life more interesting?

I could keep up with my blog, for one thing :)

I could keep up with my artwork. I did two paintings last week. Paintings, not oil pastel drawings. I haven't painted in the longest time. Not since before Molly passed away.

I got a haircut. I like it. It makes me feel different. Apparently it gave me a boost of confidence, as well. Because other people noticed too. Male people. :-D. And when I say it made me feel different, I mean. . .different like. . .a new person. A different personality. I don't know.

Much has happened over the last year. I wish I could forget but I can't. People have passed. People have left, beyond the control of myself or them. If I could, I'd bring them back. But I can't. More people are leaving me.

Oh Lord. I didn't intend for this to sound melancholy, really I didn't. It was supposed to be somewhat reflective and introverted.

And I still haven't many ideas as how to make my life more interesting.

*Ha. Try to become a vegetarian. . . it'd never happen. . .*

*But I could try to eat healthier.*

Great. Now I have to go to Wal-Mart. For the third time today.