Blessed

Thanksgiving Day was a good day. I have so much to be thankful for. Though the memories of past Thanksgivings haunted me, I'm better to have them then to have never experienced all that I have. I miss the people I used to share these days with, and I'm thankful for the ones who are still around to celebrate with. I'm also thankful for the new friends I have to share the holidays with. I hope I can share many more years of memories with them :)

Thanksgiving has passed, along with the tradition of watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with my sister and eating leftovers the day after. Now it is time to look forward to Christmas. *Sigh* Christmas trees, lighting displays, hot chocolate, family and friends :) I love this time of year.

I've been busy. There's been a bit of drama, but it's all good. There have been some other happenings, but I won't talk about that here, not yet. I'm learning that good things come to those who wait, and so I pass that on to you. Waiting is not an easy feat for somebody like me, but I'm determined. Some things are just special enough to be worth waiting for ;)

New Blog and Sites!

Ever since I painted that picture for Pastor Phillips, people have been asking me about my work and where they can see more of my work. So I started a ministry, and if you'd like to see some of my artwork, you can go here:

http://paintergirlministry.blogspot.com

http://www.photobucket.com/paintergirlministry

And you can e-mail me here: paintergirlministry@hotmail.com

:)

My phone is not working.

Why? Because we had Comcast Digital Voice installed today. And they are currently having a city-wide service failure. Talk about Murphy's Law.

Nine more days. Then I can allow myself to start listening to Christmas music.

Just blogging random stuff.

Oh. Painted a picture for Pastor and Sister Phillips (my pastor and his wife) for Pastor Appreciation Day this past Sunday:

Pastor almost made me cry when he told me, "I will always cherish it."

I've been cleaning.

Oddly enough, I did not watch this today:

I thought I would, since I now own the entire series. But I didn't. Don't know why. I guess I was just too busy trying to get rid of some stuff.

Okay. That's all I have for now. I promise I'll try to get more interesting stuff for the next entry. :)

Don't Blog Drunk. . .(Or, in my case, Tired)

It's true. I'm tired. Only got four hours of sleep last night, because I couldn't fall asleep. Kept jolting awake. And I had to go back to the Franklin Graham Festival after church, so no nap. In any case, I probably shouldn't be blogging right now. I should probably go to bed. Heh.

Funny what exhaustion does to a person. Sure, you're tired. But I mean internally. In your head. It makes you think. It makes you feel different, in the right circumstances, where temperature is concerned. There's a cool breeze blowing through my window that is opened just a crack. I have this bittersweet, melancholy feeling in my chest, and there are faint tears in my eyes. I don't know why. My mind is wandering, thumbing through possibilities. In my mind I'm continuously praying (which, I know, is a good thing). I wonder. About different things. There's a distant reminder that today *since it's after midnight here* is the first day of fall (yay!) and that the fair , which coincides with halloween, will be here before you know it (in approximately one month and one week). After that is Thanksgiving, then Christmas. . .I remember when the years didn't roll by so fast.

I miss being a kid.

But I think about the future too, wondering, waiting, praying. Wondering when God will send the right man my way, wondering if I've already found him. I often grow weary of waiting. I know he's out there somewhere. I just don't know where. Maybe I don't pray about it as much as I should. I don't pray for myself as much as I should, and perhaps there lies part of the problem. And I don't pray for him, whoever and wherever he is, as much as I ought to. My heart aches. Look, I don't expect a fairy tale. I know love and courtship and marriage takes work, and I'm willing to work for it.

Oh, I am so tired right now, and if I go any further I will sit here and cry until my face is red and blotchy, and I have gotten the hiccups. I miss people and dogs who are no longer here. I long to grow and to heal. I'm just afraid that if I stop hurting, I'll start forgetting. . .

Franklin Graham Festival: Newsboys, Group 1 Crew

My sister's birthday is next week. She said a couple of months ago that she wanted to go see the Newsboys and Casting Crowns at the Franklin Graham Festival, which is this weekend. Now, I have pictures, and I will have them up soon. But tonight we saw the Newsboys, and it was a lot of fun! We also saw a group called Group 1 Crew, a Christian hip-hop group, they were excellent as well! But when Newsboys were on, most of the songs I knew by heart. It was great to hear them live. They sang several of my favorite songs, like "Shine", "Something Beautiful", and "Breakfast". We had a lot of fun, and we are going back tomorrow night to see Casting Crowns, another one of our favorite groups. I promise you, the pictures from both evenings are coming soon! :) (I just have to remember to put new batteries in my camera!)

The seasons are changing. . .

The high today here near Charleston was in the upper 70's. . .hallelujah! It's a sign that it's almost Autumn, my favorite season of the year! I don't know why exactly I love it so much. I guess maybe because as a child, it was the time to go back to school; dinnertime with my family; playing outside until it got dark. . .now, I love the changing colors, the falling leaves. The only trees we had at my childhood home were pine trees, so until I was an adult, I never really got to see leaves falling. Oh, I'm sure that had I looked at the trees in the next door neighbor's yard, I would have seen them. But now that we have leafy trees in our front yard (and our back yard), the changing season is so much more evident to me now. In Fall I like to watch the leaves showering down out of the trees when a strong breeze blows. And I love the cooler temperatures after the long, hot, humid summer. Too, it takes us into the Halloween/Fair time of year, which goes into Thanksgiving, then Christmas. . .you get the idea. And now. . .I don't know. Autumn just does something to me. It changes me somehow. I can't explain it.

All we got from Hanna, by the way, was a lot of rain and a breeze. Thankfully.

Quick Post

Because I'm supposed to be cleaning. But I'm taking a break. . .In case you haven't heard, we have a maybe-hurricane heading toward good ole SC. TS Hanna. Ick. So we have to get cleaned up and packed up in case we have to leave in a good hurry.

On another note.

I've been meaning to paint for sometime. I just never get to it. I need to MAKE myself paint. I know I'm creative. I have the soul for it. I've been told I'm an old soul. I suppose so. I don't like much of the modern entertainment (i.e. music, tv shows [I do like a few shows on network tv but I'm not much for MTV anymore, or anything like that], etc.) and I consider myself a hippie--Christian hippie. . .but I look at all these other artists and see what they're accomplishing, and they have busier lives than I do.

I need to treat myself better. Get to bed earlier. Drink more water. Go exploring on foot, take my camera with me. Do stuff.

Anyway. That's my post for now. Perhaps I'll get back a little later, after I've cleaned some more.

And I'm painting tonight.

And check this out. it's funny, near the end. Well, I think it's all funny, but. . .funny is subjective.

Ciao.

College

I went to school with my mom today. . .she is going to school to become a paralegal. I have been toying around with the idea of going back to school for some time now, so I went with her today to get some information, such as degree programs, what I would want to major and minor in, etc. The prospect of going back to school is scary for me. But as my mom said, if she can do it, I can too. (She was out of school for about 40 years).

This is what I'm thinking: major in graphic design and minor in photography. I love art and I love photography. My mistake back in '99 was not majoring in something that I loved doing. Instead I majored in Radio and Television Broadcasting. While parts of it were interesting, it wasn't enough to hold my attention. Plus, I had wanted to take a year off after graduating high school, but somebody told me that if I did that, I wouldn't go to college at all. I think I would rather have taken the year off. Because I got really stressed. I had just finished high school, I was working part time, and going to college. I had the worst anxiety attack of my life that fall.

I think, now that I'm older, I could handle it better. I have a support system, not only here, but abroad as well. I have a network of people who believe in me, and they know that I can do this. I need a lot of prayer, my own praying included. I need to make sure that this is the right decision.

Your Tuesday Philosophy Lesson

It's Tuesday. Dale and Dot have gone; and you know what?

I can handle it.

How can I say this without being morbid? . . . I had a fear of them leaving because it seemed like everyone was leaving me, with all the deaths in my family in the last 14-16 months. But for some reason, until yesterday, I didn't put it all together. Even though I said we'll keep in touch and we have all the technology, at least I know that even on the other side of the planet, they're there, each of them the same person as they were when they were here. Their personalities will not change with geographical location. The next time I see them, they will still have the same traits they did the last time I saw them.

Yes, I'm a very emotional person. And sometimes it does take time for me to understand things fully. And you can be philosophical without a college degree. Even if your philosophy sounds a little "out there". But that's the way I am, the way God made me.

I don't know why I worry so much. I promise, Dot, I'm working on it :)

The Ramirez Family Is Leaving! :(

Oh po po po. I am tired. Worn out. And sad. Dot and the whole gang leave early tomorrow on their journey to Guam. Today, Dani (Dot's oldest daughter, third oldest child) kept telling me, "I'm really going to miss you a lot, Miss Sarah." Then she told me (as I was about to leave) "Miss Sarah, I wish you were going to Guam with us." Me too, honey. Me too. Dani gave me about a million hugs.

Boy, am I going to miss them.

But too, I have to look at it from this perspective, like both Dot and Dale told me: we have the internet. Dot has her blog, I have mine *if I can remember to update it regularly, which I am hopefully getting into the habit of doing*. We have e-mail. Snail mail. I can make DVD letters to send to them *I love my digicam and my mom's computer*. (I love my computer--my mom's old one--too. . .I can do my own thing with it. It just doesn't have a dvd burner in it). The point is, we can easily keep in touch. No, it won't be the same as having them close by. But it'll do until they're back in the U.S. again.

On a different note. . .I've been thinking a lot. It's time for a change. I have some goals I want to reach, or at least work on, in the next few months. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to the Tech College close by, to see what kind of scholarships and grants I can get, so I can start college next semester. I should have done it for this semester, but I procrastinated. Stupid procrastination. I need to look for a day job, so I can save up, and move out of my parents' house. I love them, but it's high time I got out on my own.

I guess I just have a lot to think about and a lot to concentrate on. I can't stay stuck in this rut forever. . .

So. . .

I'm not going out to the flea market this Saturday as I'd planned. I didn't do any painting the past couple of days like I was going to. I've been feeling off-center for the last couple of days.
Maybe I'm getting sick, I don't know. I also have a lot on my mind, and there are also some circumstances beyond my control. Maybe it's stress.

I want some awesome potato soup. From like, Outback Steakhouse. Or I'd settle for Atlanta Bread Company. Maybe. *This is not my problem. I wish it were my problem. May be a temporary solution*.

HA I'm completely random. And I should probably get to bed too. It's late. Like after 1 AM.

Never blog when you're drunk. * I am not drunk*.

Never blog when you're tired. * I am, however, tired.*

Goodnight everybody. :)

the vortex I call my life

Oh, I know it's been almost a month since my last post. I really ought to keep up with this blog. I'm going to have to, since it will be one of the ways Dot can keep up with my life after she and her family go to Guam :( I'm really sad to see them go. But God has a plan for their lives, as well as mine, and this is what He has meant for them right now. Luckily technology is such a wonderful thing; I love my digital camera and my mom's computer, that can make DVDs. Video letters. . .how fun!

It's been almost a month since Aunt Shelby died, and I am at peace with that. Like the aunts/uncles that went last year (and my beloved dog, Molly) I know that none of them hurt anymore, and they are waiting for me in Heaven. And I know that this place, earth, is just a stop off before eternity, but it's a long layover, and the people and animals that leave before we do, leave a void and a lot of memories that hurt to think about, because we miss them so much and we wish that we could be with them. Yet we--or at least, I, know I have a job to do and a purpose here, and I won't go until the Lord tells me my job is finished here. And I do want to accomplish a lot more before I leave here. I want to get married, have some children *and then grandchildren someday*.

Anyway. Now that I've made myself cry.

I'm going to be painting this week and heading out to the flea market this weekend to sell some of the paintings. I'm also going to take some of my other sketches and scan them, print them out onto cardstock to make prints to sell as well. Wish me luck, and send up a few prayers for me!!!

. . .And I was just taking pictures of the picnic. . .

I have always, as long as I can remember, loved to take pictures. My first camera was a hand-me-down Polaroid Instant Camera, the kind you used to have to buy the film and the flashbulb-bars for (it was the early 80's--probably purchase in the late 70's). I wore the thing out, until it didn't work anymore.

I progressed from there, using little 110 cameras, then 35mm cameras. Thing about all these is, you never knew if the picture would turn out blurry, or if you cut somebody's head off, or what. And you only had so many pictures you could take--12, 24, 36, blah blah blah.

I received my first digital camera for Christmas in 2005, a little Kodak EasyShare. I loved that thing. I loved being able to take pictures, erase them, having more space on the disk. . .I loved it. Then last July, I got a FujiFilm camera for my birthday. It's an awesome camera, if you're a "professional amateur" photographer. I have gotten some fabulous shots with it, including pictures of Tom Jones when my sister and I went to see him this past March. I've taken really nice pictures of my nieces, places in downtown Charleston, when I went to Orlando in May. . .it's has been an indisposable piece of equipment.

I took pictures of the picnic my church had today. Shortly after I arrived with my mom (a while before many of the others arrived), I took out my camera and my tripod, wanting to get some good photographs of the fun we were going to have. Pastor sees this and comes over to where I was. "How would you like to be the church's official photographer?. . ." He goes into how I can do all of the camerawork for the special events and services we have at the church, and they'll take care of the cost of developing the pictures and they'll get me an extra XD card and all. I'm standing there going (in my head) Wow, I get to do something officially for my church! I got all excited and everything because it's an awesome responsibility to have.

All I was doing is taking some pictures. . . :)

I'm turning 27 on Friday

It's 6:01 PM on June 30. I have someplace to be tomorrow. My birthday is Friday, Independence Day, July 4. I have many things going through my head. I miss Haylee and Sheila. I need to create. I have to go put gas in my car. And if I sit and think long enough, I think to myself, I need to make my life more interesting.

How does one make her life more interesting?

I could keep up with my blog, for one thing :)

I could keep up with my artwork. I did two paintings last week. Paintings, not oil pastel drawings. I haven't painted in the longest time. Not since before Molly passed away.

I got a haircut. I like it. It makes me feel different. Apparently it gave me a boost of confidence, as well. Because other people noticed too. Male people. :-D. And when I say it made me feel different, I mean. . .different like. . .a new person. A different personality. I don't know.

Much has happened over the last year. I wish I could forget but I can't. People have passed. People have left, beyond the control of myself or them. If I could, I'd bring them back. But I can't. More people are leaving me.

Oh Lord. I didn't intend for this to sound melancholy, really I didn't. It was supposed to be somewhat reflective and introverted.

And I still haven't many ideas as how to make my life more interesting.

*Ha. Try to become a vegetarian. . . it'd never happen. . .*

*But I could try to eat healthier.*

Great. Now I have to go to Wal-Mart. For the third time today.

You're a WINNER!!

Thank you, Dot!

It's hard to describe my friendship with Dot. We are different but have things in common.

There is an age difference, but neither one of us recognize it (I think). She is married with 4 children (she has got THE smartest, most well behaved children I've ever met!) while I am single and, therefore, childless (in due time, Lord, I know; it's all good, no doubt). We're both Christian women, and can talk to each other about pretty much anything.

I believe that things happen for a reason and, while I'm not the most super of Mary Kay beauty consultants, God put me there to meet the people I know now, especially Dot. She has a dynamic personality, a kind caring spirit, a great sense of humor. . .I could go on and on. For the past (almost) 2 years I have been blessed enough to have her as one of my very best friends. When I watch baby Mia for her (and even sometimes Mo, Ry, and Dani too) she always tells me how much she appreciates me.

I'm not sure she knows how much I appreciate her. . . because she's always there to listen when I'm having a hard time of things. . .like when I had to let my Molly-dog go. . .or like today, when I was having *yet another* migraine headache. Momma Dot indeed. . .she made me eat. I needed protein, she said. Yummy turkey chili, a salad, bread, and grapes. She doesn't know what simply being around her means to me. I hope someday that I can be as good a mom, a wife, and as kind of a person as Dot is. Because if I can affect one person like Dot has affected me, it would all be worth it.

Because before I met Dot, her husband Dale, and their kids, I didn't know that people this kind existed. I knew kindness, but not on that level. I really appreciate you guys. . .you don't know how much I'm going to miss you when you leave for Guam! Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. . .being there when Mia was born. . .witnessing the crazy, fun, day to day life of your family. I am blessed to have been a part of it.

Illustration Friday: "Plain"

Illustration Friday: "Stitch"

Headaches

So. I got a major migraine on Friday morning. I managed to make it to the gym, and execute my workout. It didn't get really bad until Friday night, and it stuck around until last night. It really makes me mad because I wanted to do all this painting and I was in too much pain. I've suffered from migraines since I was about 8 years old. It hurt really bad, last night, but it still wasn't the worst one I had. And let me tell you. I really believe in the power of prayer. Because last night, when the headache was at its worst, I was sitting up crying, rocking back and forth, all I could say was "Jesus, please!" And after a couple of minutes, the pain went away, and I got really sleepy. Now I know there are skeptics out there (seriously I had not taken any medication since about, oh, four yesterday afternoon; this was one in the morning) and I never try to shove God (Jesus, religion, whatever you want to call it) down anyone's throat. But this is what happened. Make of it what you will.

Why Can't I?

*Sigh*. Lately I have absolutely no energy. When I know I'm going to have some free time I think to myself "Great! I'll have some time to paint tonight!" And then later. . .ZAP! I'm so tired, all I want to do is fall in bed and go straight to sleep. I'll never get anything done, at this rate.

Just Blog!

I recently read an article in Cloth Paper Scissors on blogging. It was written by an artist, Kelly Rae Roberts, whose blog I frequent. And her main point was: just blog. It doesn't matter what you blog about. It's okay if you don't know what to blog about. Just do the thing. Eventually you will create a rhythm and perhaps figure some things out about yourself.



So, okay. If anyone needs to understand myself better, it's me. I think I go through at least two identity crises a year, if not more. But I suppose that, if I learned anything in 2007, it is this: no one is just one person. There is no set number of characteristics that define a person. It really depends on a lot of things: environment, mood, season, perhaps a holiday. . .take for instance: I consider myself to be a Christian hippie. I feel most like a hippie in spring (though it's not completely confined to that particular time of year, because I have felt it throughout the year). Sometimes in winter, if I hear one of my favorite country songs, I can picture myself living in a nice, sunny farmhouse with a wrap-around porch in the middle of a big piece of land, out in the middle of no-where.



What totally stinks is, some people have been, previously, identified with who they were when they were in school. I am one of those people. I was not popular. I was not academically graceful (I made mostly B's, with an occasional A or C). I was a little artsy *I have been this all my life, and I regret not taking more than one art class in high school*. I don't believe I was either a freak or a geek. I was just. . .there. And I let other people bother me. And oddly enough, sometimes when I look at my old yearbooks, I start feeling that way again.



But WHY should I? That was so long ago by now. And even now, what have I got to prove? The person I need to prove anything to is myself. I am a generally good person who lets too much stuff bother me*which may be a very good reason for keeping a blog*.

This leads me to another point. I used to keep a personal journal. I actually kept one, all the way throughout the book, and I don't remember exactly when I wrote the last entry in that particular journal, but I do know that since then I haven't been able to keep one particular journal. I have several journals lying around, plain journals that I have written in and, by now, ripped the pages out to start fresh.. I even have one that I was using to specifically keep track of my thoughts on the matter of a particular friendship. But I was thinking just today that this particular journal should be the one I keep especially, and that no-one who is unworthy even be named in it. I'm not saying that this particular friend is unworthy; but this particular friendship is kind of complicated and no longer needs me to dwell upon it so directly. That is as much as I will say about that.

I want to grow, both artistically and emotionally. I want to get a handle on who I truly am. I want to find out what mixture of qualities I am comfortable "wearing". I hope that makes sense to everyone else but if it doesn't, I can't help that. It's the best way I know how to describe it. That's another thing. I am always worried about hurting other people's feelings. I never want to hurt anybody but I need to quit (in my mind anyway) pushing myself down. Putting everything out there for everybody else. I can't accomplish self-fulfillment if I try to make everyone else understand. I've already made them understand all I can. Maybe that's why I don't understand a lot of things about myself at all. . .