Illustration Friday: "Plain"

Illustration Friday: "Stitch"

Headaches

So. I got a major migraine on Friday morning. I managed to make it to the gym, and execute my workout. It didn't get really bad until Friday night, and it stuck around until last night. It really makes me mad because I wanted to do all this painting and I was in too much pain. I've suffered from migraines since I was about 8 years old. It hurt really bad, last night, but it still wasn't the worst one I had. And let me tell you. I really believe in the power of prayer. Because last night, when the headache was at its worst, I was sitting up crying, rocking back and forth, all I could say was "Jesus, please!" And after a couple of minutes, the pain went away, and I got really sleepy. Now I know there are skeptics out there (seriously I had not taken any medication since about, oh, four yesterday afternoon; this was one in the morning) and I never try to shove God (Jesus, religion, whatever you want to call it) down anyone's throat. But this is what happened. Make of it what you will.

Why Can't I?

*Sigh*. Lately I have absolutely no energy. When I know I'm going to have some free time I think to myself "Great! I'll have some time to paint tonight!" And then later. . .ZAP! I'm so tired, all I want to do is fall in bed and go straight to sleep. I'll never get anything done, at this rate.

Just Blog!

I recently read an article in Cloth Paper Scissors on blogging. It was written by an artist, Kelly Rae Roberts, whose blog I frequent. And her main point was: just blog. It doesn't matter what you blog about. It's okay if you don't know what to blog about. Just do the thing. Eventually you will create a rhythm and perhaps figure some things out about yourself.



So, okay. If anyone needs to understand myself better, it's me. I think I go through at least two identity crises a year, if not more. But I suppose that, if I learned anything in 2007, it is this: no one is just one person. There is no set number of characteristics that define a person. It really depends on a lot of things: environment, mood, season, perhaps a holiday. . .take for instance: I consider myself to be a Christian hippie. I feel most like a hippie in spring (though it's not completely confined to that particular time of year, because I have felt it throughout the year). Sometimes in winter, if I hear one of my favorite country songs, I can picture myself living in a nice, sunny farmhouse with a wrap-around porch in the middle of a big piece of land, out in the middle of no-where.



What totally stinks is, some people have been, previously, identified with who they were when they were in school. I am one of those people. I was not popular. I was not academically graceful (I made mostly B's, with an occasional A or C). I was a little artsy *I have been this all my life, and I regret not taking more than one art class in high school*. I don't believe I was either a freak or a geek. I was just. . .there. And I let other people bother me. And oddly enough, sometimes when I look at my old yearbooks, I start feeling that way again.



But WHY should I? That was so long ago by now. And even now, what have I got to prove? The person I need to prove anything to is myself. I am a generally good person who lets too much stuff bother me*which may be a very good reason for keeping a blog*.

This leads me to another point. I used to keep a personal journal. I actually kept one, all the way throughout the book, and I don't remember exactly when I wrote the last entry in that particular journal, but I do know that since then I haven't been able to keep one particular journal. I have several journals lying around, plain journals that I have written in and, by now, ripped the pages out to start fresh.. I even have one that I was using to specifically keep track of my thoughts on the matter of a particular friendship. But I was thinking just today that this particular journal should be the one I keep especially, and that no-one who is unworthy even be named in it. I'm not saying that this particular friend is unworthy; but this particular friendship is kind of complicated and no longer needs me to dwell upon it so directly. That is as much as I will say about that.

I want to grow, both artistically and emotionally. I want to get a handle on who I truly am. I want to find out what mixture of qualities I am comfortable "wearing". I hope that makes sense to everyone else but if it doesn't, I can't help that. It's the best way I know how to describe it. That's another thing. I am always worried about hurting other people's feelings. I never want to hurt anybody but I need to quit (in my mind anyway) pushing myself down. Putting everything out there for everybody else. I can't accomplish self-fulfillment if I try to make everyone else understand. I've already made them understand all I can. Maybe that's why I don't understand a lot of things about myself at all. . .

New Year's Eve Reflections

It's hard to believe that the year is at an end! So much has happened this year, more bad than good, and I'm looking towards the New Year as a rebirth and a fresh start.

The best thing I can think of that happened this year was my sister's foster parenting. She and her family welcomed two little girls, Haylee and Sheila, into her home in March. They have been a source of joy and happiness for me, and I have enjoyed being and aunt to them, as well as to my 16 year old niece Briana, who is as sassy as ever. Bri is in her second year with us, although we've known her since she was born.

However, the rest of the year has been nothing but losing family. This is the downside to being part of a large, extended family. My cousin died in March. An aunt (mom's sister) died in May. Another aunt (mom's side again), one I was very close to, passed suddenly in July. And then an uncle (mom's side yet again) in September. Finally, another uncle (dad's side this time) in November. It was a very eerie pattern that began in March and skipped every other month until the end of the year. This is why I'm looking forward to 2008. I hope it will break the seeming cycle of death that has plagued my family this whole year.

I have some creative plans for the new year. I have a couple of picture books planned (okay, they're in the hypothetical stages right now, but whatever). I made a collage quilt for my sister for Christmas, and now some of her friends want them too! So I'll probably be busy with that as well. I am also going to be doing a lot of drawing and painting, because I hope to be featured at Spoleto 2009. (Spoleto is Charleston's annual art festival; I would have tried for this year but I would like to get some practice and build up my art portfolio before then, and give myself some time to really get creative). I also plan on building up my photography portfolio; I got some excellent shots of my nieces in preparation for my sister's collage quilt, so several of those will be going in as well as some new shots.

As for New Year's Resolutions, I'm doing what everyone else is doing, resolving to lose weight! I've already started, by eating healthy and starting to exercise again, and I began taking Alli yesterday. I'm really going to fight it off this year. You see, that favorite aunt of mine, she died from a heart attack. I want to be around a very long time for my nieces and, someday, my own kids.

Christmas was an especially hard time for me this year, because when I was really little, my family used to spend Christmas up at my aunt's house. I have a ton of memories from those days. Not just Christmas, but any time I was with her. But Christmas was especially hard. I miss her so much. . .

So you can see why I say that I hope to make 2008 a rebirth, a fresh start. I'm starting this new year with specific goals and specific memories. I hope that your New Year is a good one, void of loss and heartache, and filled with happiness and good things. Happy New Year, Everyone.