Random

I desire to be completely random. Being an artist, my thoughts (many times) do not come out as words, but rather as whole ideas, dreams, colors, patterns, moods, songs. Trust me, I have questioned as to whether or not I may be slightly autistic (because of thinking that way). This earns me a stern look and a loud "NO." from my mother.

But how great would it be if I could just lose myself in randomness? Give in to my [thoughts, dreams, patterns, etc.] whenever I felt like it? I'm not saying lose all sense of reality and rationality, but how different could I be if I just let things go and possibly become a more. . .obscure, shall we say, version of myself?

Hmm. I'm not crazy, I know that. But how much of my life have I wasted trying to become something I can never be and, perhaps, never should be in the first place? It would be well enough if other people thought I was crazy, the whole time knowing in myself that I'm perfectly sane.

God made all of us the way we are for a reason. He made me to think this way for a reason. I don't know why, at least not now, and I may never know why. It would probably be in my best interest to just accept it. Actually, it would probably be in my best interest to embrace it.

Hmm. Something for me to think about.

Antsy

Lately I've been getting antsy to do more artwork. I haven't painted in a while. I bought a new sketchbook yesterday and I've been dabbling and doodling in that. But I'm getting to where I want to throw myself back into it. I am about to go and do some more dabbling and drawing; it's too late tonight to paint. *Sigh*

One of those nights. . .

. . .where things just get to be too much, and I cry. So much I don't understand. I hurt so much. I wish I was a different person. Because I don't think things are ever going to happen for me. I feel like nobody understands, and if I tried to explain, everyone would just think I'm being a baby. But this is real. I end up begging God. I know this all sounds strange. But. . .I can't help it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be happy. But I'm never just right. Why? So many more questions than there are answers.

One Year Today. . .

My Molly Girl

I love you. And I miss you more than words could ever say.

I am actually faring better than I thought I would. If you had asked me a year ago what I would be doing today, I would have said that I would be medicated and in bed all day. In reality, I did not do that at all. I guess I'm just stronger than I ever thought I was.

2009, Post Number One (No, I am not numbering all my posts for this year!)

I know. I promise to blog more often and I don't. And I am sorry. I will try harder, I will.

Though it's belated, Happy New Year!

Things have happened since the last post. Unpleasant things. But one of my resolutions for 2009 (Under the main resolution titled "Be good to yourself") is this: I will not dwell on bad things that have happened. So I won't talk about that stuff.



Instead I will talk about what I did new year's eve: I went hiking. Well, we (my sister and I) started out on Sullivan's Island, really. We took pictures of the sunrise and the beach. Then we drove to Old Santee Canal State Park and hiked the trail. It was a lot of fun, a lot of exercise, and a lot of pictures. At one point, to get back to the main building (the Interpretive Center) we had to take this grassy (sometimes muddy) path through the woods. Now, all through the trail, there were hills and inclines. But on the path there were steeper inclines without steps and such. At one point, the path led us to a narrow pass along the steep side of a hill. My sister hated it, but oddly enough, I didn't mind it.



I also photographed a wedding on January 10th. It was my first wedding. I did it for free, as a gift to the bride and groom. I didn't know how well the shots would turn out, and I was nervous. But they turned out wonderfully, and the couple loved them. I was so pleased, and now I know I can do it! Tomorrow night I will be doing the staff photos for my church's website.



I started a project tonight that will take a year to complete. I began a 2009 scrapbook, because I honestly believe that this will be a good year for me. I have my upcoming 10 year class reunion (GO GATORS CLASS OF '99!!!) and all kinds of activities in the church. My sister took over the dance team for our church, and now I am the assistant leader (or as we like to call it, we're captain and co-captain. . .'cause were, like, the cheerleaders of the church. . .oh, migosh!) And who knows what else will go on. But I'm focused on keeping a positive outlook on everything, and see the good in all that happens.

Blessed

Thanksgiving Day was a good day. I have so much to be thankful for. Though the memories of past Thanksgivings haunted me, I'm better to have them then to have never experienced all that I have. I miss the people I used to share these days with, and I'm thankful for the ones who are still around to celebrate with. I'm also thankful for the new friends I have to share the holidays with. I hope I can share many more years of memories with them :)

Thanksgiving has passed, along with the tradition of watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with my sister and eating leftovers the day after. Now it is time to look forward to Christmas. *Sigh* Christmas trees, lighting displays, hot chocolate, family and friends :) I love this time of year.

I've been busy. There's been a bit of drama, but it's all good. There have been some other happenings, but I won't talk about that here, not yet. I'm learning that good things come to those who wait, and so I pass that on to you. Waiting is not an easy feat for somebody like me, but I'm determined. Some things are just special enough to be worth waiting for ;)

New Blog and Sites!

Ever since I painted that picture for Pastor Phillips, people have been asking me about my work and where they can see more of my work. So I started a ministry, and if you'd like to see some of my artwork, you can go here:

http://paintergirlministry.blogspot.com

http://www.photobucket.com/paintergirlministry

And you can e-mail me here: paintergirlministry@hotmail.com

:)